Cyber Police ESWAT

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CyberPoliceESWAT_coverThere was a wild night back in 1989 between Robocop and Shinobi that no one really talks about. As a result, the gaming gods smiled upon us and gave us a bouncing baby boy named, Cyber Police ESWAT!

Back in my day, video game police didn’t take any guff from rambunctious ne’er-do-wells. No! This was the late 80’s and they stood up to them by shooting first and asking questions later.

This was Sega’s shining era and the side scrolling shooter was in vogue. When I used to plant my roots at the local 7-11 to play this, all I cared about was one thing—getting far enough in the game with the change in my pocket to don the fantastic robotic exo-suit that officially made me a member of ESWAT.

ESWAT_scrn1Nobody trusts twins. Especially when they’re firing rounds at you in broad daylight while wearing matching flannels.

With most games of this genre, the idea was fairly simple. Mow down everyone in your path, avoid getting taken out in the process and defeat the bosses at the end of the levels. I’m not going to lie… Cyber Police ESWAT is not a great game. In fact, it’s pretty average. However, it has that je ne sais quoi about it that makes you want it. I compare it to a Michael Bay film of today. There’s not a lot of plot development going on here, but there’s carnage and ‘splosions!

ESWAT_scrn2Often confused for a flamethrower, the giant lobster tail is ESWAT’S greatest weakness.

Many of the levels are urban environments and city streets dotted with generic store fronts and vague businesses. The color palettes are like something out of your great aunt’s family room…after she smoked unfiltered Pall Mall’s in there for a few decades. So why would I write a review for a game after speaking like this about it? Well, aside from my previously mentioned affinity, I also enjoy the eclectic lineup of bosses. Early on, I did the whole “save the girl thing, which I was fine with.

ESWAT_scrn3Eager to prove that the “Boomerangers” were just as tough as the Stranglers, Larry took to the streets with his best vest, a kitchen chair and a girl he met through Craigslist, who would never return his calls again.

But I was left wondering, “Now that homegirl is safe from that boomerang wielding madman, what could possibly lie in wait for me?”

ESWAT_scrn4Glad you asked…

I took out one more level and a bad guy who tried to beat me up with an anchor in front of a gas station (Makes total sense.) And then, a beautiful thing happened.

AnchorLooks like he had some “anchor management issues”! Ok…That was pretty bad.

All my hard work, patrolling the mean streets of Liberty City had finally paid off! I felt a strange tingling wash over my body as I locked up the last guy on my list for this neighborhood.

ESWAT_scrn5I no longer donned the badge of Chief, that looked like a really happy face more than a symbol of authority. I was now awash in the blue glow of being on the ESWAT team! From here out, it’s strictly arriving on the scene in armored helicopters and wearing backpacks full of incendiary devices during my 9 to 5.

ESWAT_scrn6I will say, at this point the game gets a little more interesting. The enemies pick up the pace a bit and you’re in constant fear of getting hit and losing bits of your armor. The first hit from an enemy knocks off the head gear. The second one takes out everything but a frail remnant of the suit throughout. By the third impact with an enemy’s haterness, you’re back to being Officer Lamepants McNormalcop.

ESWAT_scrn7Sometimes, seeing your tax dollars at work is totally badass.

Of course, you can get the suit back…by dying and trying the level over again, but that’s a small price to pay, isn’t it?

Switching gears a bit, I was mentioning the bosses earlier, wasn’t I? Yeah, you saw the boomerang dude and crazy anchor guy, but how many games let you take down exotic animals? Watch out PETA! Me and ESWAT are comin’ through and were takin’ out all kinds of Nature’s children! There’s not even a good explanation why, but two of the upcoming bosses are a tiger and a big ol’ gorilla. I don’t know what crime lord thought “Hey, you know what could probably beat this heavily armed, futuristic police officer? My freakin’ sweet tiger! And if that doesn’t work, I’m breaking out the gorilla!” The tiger actually gave me more of a run for my money, despite his smaller size from the gorilla. His overall agility put up a tough fight.

Nonetheless, a few more levels under my cyber-belt and I was on my way to making this city a place free of …improbable situations?

ESWAT_scrn7This is me, practicing some of my sweet BMX moves on this tiger. I’m lying. This is a raging tiger, showing me what’s up.

ESWAT_scrn8ESWAT_scrn9Awwwww… He’s not hurt, sweetie. He’s just taking a little nap.

With all this being said, I’m going to stop here. I could go on about fighting dudes in monster trucks and laser defended compounds and whatnot, but I think you should experience it for yourself. As I mentioned earlier, Cyber Police ESWAT is a fun game on the nostalgia level and definitely gets points for no-holds-barred scenarios. I personally think it’s a game that every red blooded, American male should play at least once in their lives. If anything, just to know what it felt like to deal with the scum that plagued our society during these times.

Because of men like the ESWAT team, you can walk the streets at night without being fearful of heinous fellows with dreadful weapons like boomerangs and anchors. Worse yet, a dude in a fuchsia coat (with matching umbrella) unleashing an 11 ft. tall gorilla on you while you were just walking to the corner store for an energy drink and some Combos. (Mmmmmmm…Combos!) Give it a shot! (Pun intended..maybe.) You just might get a kick out of it. ESWAT doesn’t kick. …Soooo, there’s no pun there.

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